The Duel - Part III
(Scene - yet another alley way. Lord Randolph Forphington III and Alfred Douglas-Muffers, Earl of Twattington have escaped the podgy policeman Officer Blogspot.com - for now - and prepare to continue what they began hours earlier. As we approach, we can hear them once again conversing in an appropriately forceful, angry fashion...)
posted by The Ghost Of Lord Randolph Forphington III at 5:19 PM
29 Comments:
*continuing on same tangent as before*
... and in Germany, they call her "Girl With Large Breasts"
You've gotta love those practical, no nonsense Germans.
But we digress.
You're absolutely right.
Let's duel.
The two aristocrats shakily remove their weapons from inside their coats and turn their backs to each other.
Alright, who on earth is this guy?
I'm the narrator.It'll just make the story easier to tell if I'm here. I'm a literary device.
Ooooh! A literary device!
I love literary devices!
Nervously, the men begin taking one step at a time away from each other, while slowly counting out loud...
10....
9.....
8.....
7.....
6....
Unexpectedly - or perhaps all too expectedly, considering what an incorrigible scoundrel he is - Twattington spins around four seconds early!
But fortunately for Lord Randolph, the Earl of Twattington ate cauliflower the previous evening - a food which always wreaks havoc on his digestive system.
*farts loudly*
Due to the rapid movement involved in the sudden turn, or maybe just due of the excitement of cheating, the Earl of Twattington momentarily relaxed his anus, just enough to allow a loud, flapping fart to escape from his bowels!
The noise is enough to encourage Lord Randolph to swivel around quickly himself, only to find the Earl of Twattington raising his weapon and preparing to shoot!
You fiend, Twattington! Can you not even duel with honour?
*farts again*
I loathe cauliflower.
And with that chilling but perfectly understandable statement, the Earl of Twattington grits his teeth and pulls the trigger on his gun.
*BANG!!!!*
*BANG!!!!*
Twattington crumples to the ground, clutching his belly.
Good... shot... didn't... fornicate... with the... horse... fucking... cauliflower!
*exhales*
With a final heavy sigh, Twattington shuffles off his mortal coil.
From around the corner, La Nadine appears. She is clutching a diamond necklace and a letter sent to her this morning from Lord Randolph.
Darling girl!
Fear not, my love... for Twattington is dead.
I see you have my diamond necklace - I am so glad you have received it. I had hoped to someday give you a pearl necklace, but it appears that it is not to be.
Nadine looks hott, and confused. Her heart is beating wildly under her glorious, heaving bosom... so curvy... so mammoth... nature's miracle twins...
yay for you forphy!
i knew you'd win.
and i love my necklace more than anything eva.
mwa.
xox
Oi!
Watch that, please.
*turns to Nadine and stammers...*
I... I do not feel so well.
Lord Randolph opens his jacket to reveal that he too has been shot!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*runs to forphy*
Dearest love, I have not much longer left, I am afraid...
Even in my wildest dreams, I could never have guessed how strong our love would be. Strong, and busty.
But it appears that Fate deems our love to be star-crossed... but death, my precious girl, death will make our love... eternal...
Remember me, Nadine... and remember that you are a beautiful, amazing young woman who deserves all the happiness in the world... Perhaps even with other ladies, I don't know, see how you feel after a few drinks under your belt.... *cough*
To quote Sergei Esenin -
"My love, you are in my heart.
It was preordained we should part
And be reunited by and by." Or to blatantly plagiarise someone else...
O Nadine! if the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; In the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Nadine, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet... again.
You... will always... be my love...
*falls to the ground*
With those beautiful and pilfered words, Lord Randolph Forphington III closes his eyes and goes to meet his maker.
And here we must leave the final scene of perhaps the most touching tale of love and passion the world has ever seen. Lord Randolph and Nadine's true romance, whilst featuring little to no members of the Arquette clan, transcended time and reality itself to prove that love really is a magical and most holy thing, no matter how it ends. Sniff. THE END
*tears splash in a waterfall down her breasts*
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